Revenge of the Living Ted Read online

  “We’ll just ask her if Drake’s in,” Lisa Marie replied.

  “And what if she says, ‘Yes, but he’s a teddy bear’? What then?”

  Lisa Marie shrugged. “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

  She stopped on the front step and rang the doorbell. Vernon danced anxiously behind her like he was desperate for the toilet. Even when he wasn’t an angry teddy bear, Drake made him nervous.

  “This is a bad idea,” he whispered, then he stopped dancing and stood to attention as the door opened.

  Drake’s mum stood just inside the doorway, smiling warmly. She wore a fluffy pink dressing gown with a unicorn pattern on it that Lisa Marie very much approved of. She smiled at Vernon, vaguely recognizing him, then looked down at Lisa Marie as she spoke.

  “Good morning. We’d like to speak to Drake, please,” Lisa Marie announced.

  Drake’s mum looked a little taken aback by Lisa Marie’s confidence. “Well, OK,” she replied, still smiling. “Are you sure, though? He’s not exactly at his most charming in the morning.”

  Lisa Marie didn’t imagine there was any time of day when Drake could be considered charming.

  “Yes, please.”

  “OK. Good luck!” Drake’s mum said. She turned and called back into the house. “Wakey-wakey, Drakey-Drakey!”

  From somewhere upstairs there came a sleepy moan. “Ugh. What time is it?”

  Vernon let out a nervous whimper. That was Drake’s voice and he didn’t sound happy.

  “It’s time to come to the door, that’s what time. Your friends are here to see you,” his mum replied. She winked at Lisa Marie and smiled. “Boys,” she said.

  “Tell me about it,” Lisa Marie sighed. She jabbed a thumb in Vernon’s direction. “You should try living with this one.”

  “No thanks. One’s bad enough!”

  Vernon cleared his throat. “Have you seen Drake?”

  “Uh, yes. He’s my son,” Drake’s mum replied, looking a little confused by the question.

  “What? Oh. No. I mean have you seen him this morning?” Vernon asked.

  “Ah. No. Not yet.” There was a thudding of footsteps behind her. “But this sounds like his dainty feet now.”

  She gave the children a little wave, then stepped aside just as Drake appeared. Half of his hair was standing on end, and there was some dried drool on his cheek. One of his eyes was stuck shut with sleep, while the other glared pure hatred at them.

  Lisa Marie and Vernon noticed all of these things. The thing they noticed most of all, though, was that he definitely was not a teddy bear.

  “What?” he demanded. “What are you two doing here? If you’ve come to get your Halloween sweets back, you’re too late. I already ate them.”

  “You’re human again,” Lisa Marie said.

  “What do you mean ‘again’?” Drake snapped.

  “You’re not a teddy bear,” Lisa Marie continued.

  Drake blinked a few times until both eyes were open, then scowled at Vernon. “What’s the little freak talking about?”

  Vernon tried frantically to come up with an explanation. “It’s, uh, it was a dare. She was dared to come and ask if you were a teddy bear.”

  There was a long pause as Drake thought about this. “Dared by who?”

  Vernon’s mouth went dry as Drake glared at him. His mind raced as he tried to think of someone. He glanced back over his shoulder and caught a glimpse of a gnome’s jolly red hat.

  “Santa,” he blurted. He bit his lip, immediately regretting this answer.

  Drake’s eyes narrowed. “Santa?”

  “Mr Santa,” Vernon babbled. “He’s our neighbour. Old Mr Santa. You probably don’t know him.”

  Lisa rolled her eyes and muttered quietly below her breath. “Well, this is embarrassing.” She caught Vernon by the arm. “Come on, we’d better go.”

  “Yeah, you better had,” Drake growled after them. He fixed Vernon with another of his glares. “And don’t forget the tournament later.”

  Vernon frowned. “Tournament?”

  “I knew you’d forget,” Drake growled. “The multiplayer tournament. On Xbox? Battle War 2.”

  “Oh. Yeah. Right! Didn’t forget,” said Vernon.

  “Just be online. We’re top of the leaderboard, and if you mess it up…” Drake barked.

  “I won’t mess it up!” Vernon insisted. “I’ll be online.”

  “You’d better be,” Drake hissed. He turned away and began to close the door. Lisa Marie and Vernon both gasped as they spotted an adorable pink bow tangled in the hair at the back of his head. It was the same bow he’d worn when he’d been transformed into a teddy.

  “Drake!” Lisa Marie cried.

  Drake scowled at her. “What now?”

  Lisa Marie opened her mouth to tell him about the bow, then changed her mind. “Nothing. Have a nice day.”

  With a grunt, Drake slammed the door. Lisa Marie and Vernon both retreated along the path and out on to the street.

  “Mr Santa?” Lisa Marie asked with a smirk.

  “Shut up. It was the best I could do,” Vernon scowled.

  “Yeah. That’s what worries me,” Lisa Marie giggled. She glanced back at Drake’s front door. “He’s not a bear.”

  “No.”

  “He doesn’t even remember being a bear.”

  “Doesn’t look like it, no.”

  “It doesn’t make sense!” Lisa Marie protested. “It’s completely illogical. Why does nobody remember?”

  Vernon shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe it was a dream.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” Lisa Marie said.

  Vernon threw up his arms in a shrug. “What’s more ridiculous? That it was a dream, or that a magic machine brought a load of teddy bears to life, and that they then attempted to take over the town?”

  Lisa Marie began to list things on her fingers. “OK, one, if it was a dream then it would mean we both shared exactly the same dream. Which is impossible.”

  “So is teddy bears coming to life.”

  “Two,” continued Lisa Marie, ignoring him. She held up Bearvis. “He’s covered in dirt and someone shot a hole through his hair. Why?”

  “Because it’s stupid hair?” Vernon guessed.

  “Because he was alive,” said Lisa Marie. She hugged Bearvis again. “And it’s beautiful hair.”

  She went back to counting on her fingers again. “And three… Well, I don’t need a three, because the first two were so conclusive. The teddy bears came to life, Vernon. It all happened, and somehow we’re the only ones who remember. It’s all so…”

  Vernon groaned. “Don’t say it.”

  “Discombobulating,” said Lisa Marie. She lowered her voice to a whisper. “Someone must have made everyone forget. It’s the only explanation. The question is – who?”

  Vernon shrugged. “I guess we’ll never know,” he said.

  As the words left his mouth, black cloth bags were pulled over both children’s heads from behind and two pairs of rough, furry hands bundled them into the back of a car.

  “Hey! What’s going on?” Vernon yelped.

  “Let us go!” Lisa Marie cried.

  There was a hiss from somewhere inside the car. Lisa Marie tasted something bitter at the back of her throat.

  “Gas,” she coughed, her voice becoming slurred. “It’s sleeping g—”

  And then she slumped sideways in her seat and Vernon flopped down on top of her.

  Vernon jumped awake with a high-pitched, “Yeuragh!” He karate-chopped the air for a few frantic moments, then realized there was nobody around worth karate-chopping.

  He was sitting at an impressively long wooden table that had been polished to a mirror-like sheen. Lisa Marie sat across from him, wide awake. She still held Bearvis under her arm, like she was trying to keep him safe.

  “Ugh. My mouth tastes like feet,” Vernon croaked.

  Lisa Marie motioned to a jug of water that had been placed betwee
n them. “You could have a drink,” she said.

  Vernon reached for a glass.

  “But it might be poisoned.”

  Vernon stopped reaching for a glass and sat back.

  “Where are we?” he grunted, peeling his eyes all the way open and looking around. They were in a long room with an expensive-looking carpet and lots of certificates hanging on the wall in fancy frames.

  Vernon squinted at the closest one and tried to read the ornate writing.

  “It’s for businessman of the year,” Lisa Marie said. “I’ve already read them.”

  “How long have you been awake?” Vernon asked.

  “Longer than you,” Lisa Marie replied. “And I’ve come to a few conclusions. Firstly, we’re in the boardroom of a large and successful business. Secondly, we’re here because somebody used sleeping gas on us and bundled us into a car. Although not in that order.”

  “Right! I remember that!” said Vernon, rubbing his head.

  “Thirdly,” continued Lisa Marie. She moved her feet under the table. A set of chains around her ankles rattled noisily. “I think we’re in trouble.”

  Vernon looked down at his own feet. He too was tethered to the floor by some impressively heavy chains.

  “We’re chained up!” he said.

  “Yes.”

  “We’re chained up!”

  Lisa Marie nodded. “Yes. I know. We’ve established that.”

  Vernon’s face had turned pale. His eyes were so wide they looked like they might be about to fall out on to the table. “Why are we chained up?”

  “That I don’t know,” Lisa Marie admitted.

  Vernon fumbled in his pocket. “I’ll phone for help,” he said, taking out his mobile. He tapped the screen, then stared at it in horror. “No signal!”

  “Yes, it’s the thick roof, you see? It blocks the transmissions,” boomed a voice from the far end of the boardroom. The door stood wide open, revealing the most ludicrously shaped human being Lisa Marie had ever seen.

  He wasn’t particularly tall, but his upper body was almost impossibly wide. It wasn’t that he was fat, exactly, it was more like he was the exact opposite of thin. His broad shoulders led down to a barrel chest, then on to hips that wouldn’t have looked out of place on a baby elephant.

  His legs, in contrast, grew gradually skinnier the further down they got. His hefty thighs became slender calves, then finished in a pair of tiny feet. In silhouette, he looked a bit like an ice-cream cone.

  The sight of him made Lisa Marie nervous, but she was determined not to show it. “Who are you?” she demanded.

  The man wobbled forwards, leaning on a walking cane to take some of the weight off his legs. As he stepped into the boardroom the shadows fell away, giving Lisa Marie and Vernon a better look at him.

  He wore a neatly pressed pair of trousers, shiny shoes and a shirt so white it seemed to glow. The shirt’s sleeves had been rolled up, revealing two of the thickest and hairiest arms the children had ever seen.

  The hair didn’t stop there. His face was mostly covered by a coarse black beard, which sprouted in every direction at once. Between the beard and his enormously bushy eyebrows, there was very little of the man’s actual face visible other than a forehead, a glimpse of cheeks, and two eyes that stared out from the tangled jungle of hair.

  “My name is Ursine Kodiak,” he said. His voice was loud and rumbled like thunder. Teeth appeared inside his beard. Lisa Marie hoped he was smiling. “And I’m about to change your lives forever.”

  There was one other chair positioned at the far end of the table. It groaned in protest as Ursine lowered himself into it. He held on to the table for a moment, as if worried the chair might collapse, but then nodded and relaxed further into it.

  “It seems you had an interesting evening yesterday,” Ursine said.

  “What do you want?” Vernon asked. He was even more nervous than Lisa Marie, but just like her, was determined not to show it. “You have to let us go. Our parents will have called the police by now.”

  Ursine tilted his head from side to side, as if weighing up Vernon’s words. “Not yet. I have them under surveillance. They still think you’re at the shops. Even when they do get worried, there’s nothing to connect me with your disappearance. I could keep you here for weeks if I wanted.”

  He leaned forwards and glowered at Vernon. “So, you see, I don’t have to let you go at all.”

  Vernon gulped but didn’t reply. He shot Lisa Marie a worried look. She was trying not to look scared, but he could see right through the act.

  “But I will,” Ursine said, smiling again. “Because I’m nice like that. I’m not holding you here against your will.”

  Lisa Marie rattled the chains around her ankles.

  “OK, maybe a tiny bit against your will,” Ursine admitted. “But I just want to show you something. Then I’ll make you an offer. If you choose to accept it, great. If not, you will be free to go.”

  “Then why go to the trouble of kidnapping us?” Lisa Marie asked. “Why not just ask us?”

  Ursine rolled his eyes. “Yes. Sorry about that. It wasn’t ideal, but my employees daren’t risk revealing themselves for too long in public, you see?”

  He clapped his enormous hands twice, making Vernon jump.

  “Cuddlyplump! Mr Fluffton!” he boomed.

  Two much smaller figures appeared in the doorway behind him, half hidden by shadow. They both tried to get through the opening at the same time, got wedged there for a moment, then tumbled into the room as a ball of arms, legs and fur.

  “Geroff!”

  “You geroff!”

  The new arrivals jumped to their feet, slapping at each other angrily.

  “Enough!” boomed Ursine, which made them both stop fighting. They scurried to either side of Ursine’s chair and stood to attention. Only their heads were visible over the top of the table, but that was more than enough for the children to be able to work out what they were.

  “Teddies,” Lisa Marie gasped. “They’re big teddies.”

  There was a thonk from across the table as Vernon flopped face first on to it.

  Ursine raised a caterpillar eyebrow. “Your brother seems to have fainted.”

  “Yes, he does that sometimes,” Lisa Marie said. “He’ll be OK in a minute.”

  Ursine clicked his tongue against his teeth. “Should we wait for him?”

  “We probably should, if you don’t mind,” said Lisa Marie. “Or we’ll have to explain everything again when he wakes up.”

  Ursine sighed. “Fine. We’ll wait.”

  They waited. Ursine tapped a fingernail on the table, making a tick-tick-tick sound that echoed around the room.

  Lisa Marie tried smiling at the two teddy bears, but neither of them smiled back.

  Ursine puffed out his hairy cheeks. He hummed quietly below his breath for a while, then nodded at the bear under Lisa Marie’s arm.

  “You brought your friend, I see.”

  Lisa Marie tightened her grip on Bearvis. “Yes.”

  “He was impressive last night. Most impressive,” Ursine said. He held out a hand. “May I see him?”

  Lisa Marie shook her head. “No.”

  Ursine’s beard twitched, revealing his teeth again. He was smiling. At least, Lisa Marie hoped so. “Later, perhaps.”

  Lisa Marie quietly cleared her throat and nodded in Vernon’s direction. “Shouldn’t be long now,” she said.

  As if on cue, Vernon jumped awake. Screaming, he karate-chopped the air again for a few seconds, then caught the look of disapproval from Lisa Marie. He lowered his arms, trying very hard not to blush.

  “Must’ve been the effects of the sleeping gas,” he said.

  “Must have been,” agreed Lisa Marie, although she didn’t really believe it. She turned to Ursine. “Now, you were saying?”

  “Hmm? Oh. Yes. I’m sure you’ve already worked out that I was the one responsible for your little … adventure last night.”


  Vernon looked across the table to his stepsister. “Had we worked that out?”

  Lisa Marie nodded.

  “I thought it was the shopkeeper guy?”

  “Pah! That imbecile?” scoffed Ursine. He let out an animal-like snort. “I let him steal an early prototype of my…” He waved a hairy hand as if searching for the correct word. “Contraption. I wanted to see what would happen if it was activated out there in the real world.”

  “Monsters, that’s what happened!” Vernon said. “Horrible teddy bear monsters.”

  Ursine’s teeth appeared in his beard again as he grinned. “Yes. Fascinating. I was able to gather such useful data.”

  “How did you do it?” asked Lisa Marie. “How did you build a machine that could bring teddy bears to life?”

  “Because I’m a genius, that’s how!” Ursine crowed. “Also, my mother was a Nobel prize-winning physicist, and my father was a he-witch, so that helped too.”

  “A he-witch?” said Vernon. “You mean a wizard?”

  “Pah! Don’t be ludicrous. There are no such thing as ‘wizards’. He was a he-witch.”

  Vernon stared blankly at the oddly shaped man for a moment, then shrugged. “Fair enough.”

  Lisa Marie leaned in Ursine’s direction. He was still a long way along the table, so it didn’t really have the menacing effect she’d been aiming for. “You wiped everyone’s memories, didn’t you? You made it so no one would remember.”

  Ursine nodded. “I felt it best to cover my tracks,” he said. He stroked the heads of both teddy bear henchmen. They continued to stare at Lisa Marie and Vernon. “Of course, that was the easy part. The difficult bit was ensuring you two both remembered everything.”

  Lisa Marie glanced across the table at Vernon. “Why?” she asked. “Why did you want us to remember?”

  “Because…”

  Ursine stopped talking and stood up.

  “In fact, no. I’m not going to tell you. I’ll show you, instead,” he said.

  With a whistle from their master, the two teddies scurried under the table and removed the chains from around the children’s ankles.